For my son who would be ten...

Every year at this time
A familiar sadness
Weighs at my heart
The tugging of unseen hands
Calls me to remember
Begs me not to forget
The sacred sorrow
Exquisite longing
Of mother
For son
Whose oh-so-brief visit
Caught a piece of my heart
And held fast
Unwilling to let go
To relinquish
His hold
On a life
That was his to touch
And barely taste
Before it was his time
To go.

I miss him.
Somewhere, I know,
His work goes on
And mine, also,
Will not wait
But once a year
He tugs again
At heartstrings
That refuse
To let him go.
I hold space in my heart
For him
Remembering
Missing
Longing for
My baby.
He sends from afar
A phantom embrace.
He blows a kiss
I can almost catch
If I pause
And feel
And remember.
A fleeting moment
When heaven touches earth
Again
And I hold tryst
With memory
With heart
With soul
Of one who came
But could not stay
And left a hole
A void
An empty place
Behind him
That I fall into
Again
Every year at this time.

Goodbye, my son,
For another year.
Mama loves you.
I won't forget--
I promise.
My heart won't let me.
And I wouldn't want it to,
As long as you are there
And I am here
Without you.
Love, Mama

A Little Unsteady

When Faith was born, I had lots of help right at the beginning, lots of visitors, and lots going on.  John was working full-time and felt like he couldn't take a lot of time off.  School started two weeks later.  I was home all day, every day, with a newborn and a very active and exuberant toddler who ADORED her baby sister (and was/is physically incapable of leaving her alone).  Faith is a lovely, happy baby, but of all my babies she is the one who has had the greatest need to be held, constantly.  I got next to nothing done around my house for months.  I just held her, and watched my house fall apart and my kids go to bed late because dinner was late because I was holding Faith all. the. time.  It was very overwhelming, and I was so tired, and I was struggling.  I watched this video by BYU's Noteworthy (linked below), and it spoke to my heart and gave voice to what I was feeling in a way I hadn't experienced before.  I was feeling unsteady, and I desperately needed someone to hold on to me, because if they didn't I was going to fall apart.  I didn't know how to say that, or how to ask for help (I've never been good at that) so I just kept going through the motions day after day, trying to survive.  I don't think it was postpartum depression, I was just overwhelmed and so tired.  But it was getting to me.  At one point I had the thought, "at least if I die of sleep-deprivation John can marry someone else who will be a better mom than me".  That scared me.  I sat John down and made him watch that Noteworthy song and said "THAT's how I feel.  Please help me."  I'm not sure exactly what changed, but over time it got better.  I started going to an exercise class a couple days a week, I called my midwife and got a recommendation for an herb to take to help with anxiety (motherwort + red raspberry leaf tea).  I asked my family to help clean up instead of just staring at my messy house and wishing I could do something about it.  I am in a lot better place right now, and I am grateful for that.  I feel like sometimes God lets me go through things like that to teach me that I don't have to do everything, it's okay to ask for help and I can lean on those who love me when I can't quite stand on my own.  Faith is a precious gift, worth anything I/we had to go through to get her here.  I know that in the eternal scheme of things all the sacrifices are a very small price to pay for the infinite gift we've been given.  And I rejoice in that.  But I want you to know, if you're feeling a little (or a lot) unsteady, you don't have to do it alone.  There are those who love you all around you, and even if they don't quite understand, you also have a Father in Heaven who loves you and does understand.  He can help you know how to get through it, and He will hold onto you all the while.

A New Christmas Tradition

I've been trying to think of a way to keep our focus on the Savior this Christmas season, not just remembering Him (although that is very important) but serving Him by serving others.  I've been seeing little calendars with service/kindness ideas around, and I like the thought of that, but planning it out ahead of time just stresses me out, and I haven't ever found one that really resonates with me.  It ends up feeling like something we're supposed to do, rather than something we want to do.  So I started thinking about what would work better for our family, and I came up with this.  The first sheet we laminated so we can write in the box (with dry-erase marker) what our gift will be for the next day and erase it the following evening when it's time to write the next day's gift.  The second sheet has gift ideas or you can type up/write out your own.  We'll probably tape that page to the back so we can refer to it throughout the month and not lose it.  I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints so I also added a third page with ideas specific to LDS families, though others may find ways to adapt them for their own faiths as well.  I think we will keep track on our calendar of what we do each day, then review on Christmas.  There are other ways to keep track of what you have done: have little fuzzies to put in a jar each time you give your gift...or have slips of paper to write down what you do, then read through them on Christmas....  I've heard of people putting a piece of straw or yarn in a manger each time they do an act of kindness at Christmastime, to get it ready for baby Jesus to lay on.  You could put stickers on a paper Christmas tree, or foil star stickers on a paper sky, or something else altogether...lots of options!  Most of these gift ideas are small but meaningful.  For me, as a mom, the gift I always want is for my children to get along and be kind to one another.  I believe Jesus feels the same way about us.  When we are kind to one another, we are giving a gift of kindness to Him, and that is the gift He really wants this Christmas.

Gift for Jesus free printable

Other similar ideas:
mormon.org #LightTheWorld calendar
Kindness calendar
theredheadedhostess.com #LightTheWorld calendar with ideas

Merry Christmas everyone!

Gratitude Challenge Week 4

I am grateful for:
1.  The chance we had to visit family for Thanksgiving.  Not just on Thanksgiving Day, either--we had three different get-togethers (formal and informal) plus lots of unstructured play/visiting time.
2.  A lovely place to stay (thank you Melissa!).
3.  Sweet cousins who are so kind to my little ones.
4.  Rolls that all turned out well for Thanksgiving dinner (that was our contribution to the feast).
5.  BEAUTIFUL weather, though the kids did get a little hot in the van when we were out and about.
6.  Kids who were very patient with the tight conditions in said van and did not complain about it (much).  They were troopers and it was much appreciated!
7.  Christmas shopping mostly done before December so we can enjoy our time together and focus on the true meaning of Christmas.

Gratitude Challenge Week 3

I am thankful for:

1.  Herbal remedies and nourishing food that strengthen and heal us.  Everyone in my family, aside from me and Faith, has been sick in the past two weeks, and we're slowly recovering with the help of elderberry syrup (the last of last-year's elderberry foraging--yay for my horticulturist husband!), astragalus, orange juice, tangerines, leafy green vegetables (salad), and chicken soup.  I love that we don't have to be dependent on doctors for stuff like this (though they certainly have their place and I'm grateful for them too).  And I'm very grateful that Faith and I haven't gotten sick, that is a huge blessing.

2.  A working dishwasher, washing machine, and dryer.  I've done without all of those, and it is certainly doable, but I am so grateful I don't have to haul our little kids, clothes, and cloth diapers to the laundromat every week (been there, done that, not my favorite!), but can do my laundry a little at a time in the comfort of my own home!  It's currently sitting in baskets patiently waiting to be folded, but it is clean.  Except the (large) part that's not.  But I'll get to that. :)

3.  Windows that let in heat in the winter to warm my home, and let in sunshine year-round to brighten my spirits.  (We lived in a windowless basement for a year and a half, I do NOT take windows for granted!)  Note: these big windows shown above are the ones I'm talking about.  And our family room is even this clean once in a while, for a few minutes at least!

4.  Animals/nature.  I love that lots of animals live on our lot along with us.  Some we brought (chickens), some that come to visit and don't stay, thank goodness (coyotes and skunks), and some that just live here (squirrels and rabbits and birds).  This week I went to the sink to wash out my dish and there was a squirrel on my windowsill above the sink, looking in!  I think I scared it as much as it startled me!

5.  True friends: great people I've gotten to know here and others I knew before.  I'm very much a homebody, but I am so grateful to have friends who encourage me to get out of my house and into the sunshine, and others who live too far away for that but who encourage me daily with their love, support and great examples.

6.  A baby who (mostly) sleeps at night.  Apparently God knows I'm getting older and can't function on no sleep like I used to.  She still has her nights, and sometimes weeks, when she'll be up to nurse at three, but that is the exception, not the rule.  She does want to nurse all evening...but if it means I get to sleep at night, it is WORTH IT to me.

7.  My Savior, who makes it possible for me to repent and try again, over and over, until I finally get it right.  I love this quote from Jeffrey R. Holland: "however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines."

Love you all!  Happy Thanksgiving!