A Little Unsteady

When Faith was born, I had lots of help right at the beginning, lots of visitors, and lots going on.  John was working full-time and felt like he couldn't take a lot of time off.  School started two weeks later.  I was home all day, every day, with a newborn and a very active and exuberant toddler who ADORED her baby sister (and was/is physically incapable of leaving her alone).  Faith is a lovely, happy baby, but of all my babies she is the one who has had the greatest need to be held, constantly.  I got next to nothing done around my house for months.  I just held her, and watched my house fall apart and my kids go to bed late because dinner was late because I was holding Faith all. the. time.  It was very overwhelming, and I was so tired, and I was struggling.  I watched this video by BYU's Noteworthy (linked below), and it spoke to my heart and gave voice to what I was feeling in a way I hadn't experienced before.  I was feeling unsteady, and I desperately needed someone to hold on to me, because if they didn't I was going to fall apart.  I didn't know how to say that, or how to ask for help (I've never been good at that) so I just kept going through the motions day after day, trying to survive.  I don't think it was postpartum depression, I was just overwhelmed and so tired.  But it was getting to me.  At one point I had the thought, "at least if I die of sleep-deprivation John can marry someone else who will be a better mom than me".  That scared me.  I sat John down and made him watch that Noteworthy song and said "THAT's how I feel.  Please help me."  I'm not sure exactly what changed, but over time it got better.  I started going to an exercise class a couple days a week, I called my midwife and got a recommendation for an herb to take to help with anxiety (motherwort + red raspberry leaf tea).  I asked my family to help clean up instead of just staring at my messy house and wishing I could do something about it.  I am in a lot better place right now, and I am grateful for that.  I feel like sometimes God lets me go through things like that to teach me that I don't have to do everything, it's okay to ask for help and I can lean on those who love me when I can't quite stand on my own.  Faith is a precious gift, worth anything I/we had to go through to get her here.  I know that in the eternal scheme of things all the sacrifices are a very small price to pay for the infinite gift we've been given.  And I rejoice in that.  But I want you to know, if you're feeling a little (or a lot) unsteady, you don't have to do it alone.  There are those who love you all around you, and even if they don't quite understand, you also have a Father in Heaven who loves you and does understand.  He can help you know how to get through it, and He will hold onto you all the while.