Faith like a Pioneer

Janetta Ann McBride Ferrin, my third great-grandmother

My husband recently quit his job to start a business.  It has been about six months now.  He has had some success with that, and a lot more of "what do we need to change to make this work?"  It has been a learning experience for all of us.  For me, it has been a major trial and foundation-rocker.  I have always thought that faith was trusting that as long as I was doing my best, the Lord would help us have enough.  But having to live on our savings, and then our credit card, and not knowing where the money for our bills would come from, has shaken that belief to its core.  I have come to understand that faith is trusting you will be okay, whether you have enough or not.  I have read about my pioneer ancestors who crossed the plains with handcarts and literally starved and froze to death, some of them, without losing their faith.  My faith wasn't like that, and it needed to be.  My faith needed to be shaken so it could be re-established on the truth, which is that our God is with us in our hardships, but He will not take them away from us.  He will help us along, but He will not shelter or protect us from things that will help us grow.  Faith is knowing that even if we fail, even if we die, as some have, there is meaning to what we suffer and it will be for our good and the good of our family, in this life or the next.  I have learned to let go of the idea that being faithful means always having "enough".  It doesn't.  However, if we will look, we will find blessings, even miracles, in even our worst circumstances.  We will know we are not alone.

Here are some miracles we have experienced as we have progressed through this experience:
- I am pregnant, and my baby and I have continued to grow exactly as we should, though I have been living on my food storage, supplemented by the generosity of family members and less-than-regular trips to the grocery store.
- We didn't have health insurance for five months, and my family was healthy and mostly without need of health care for that whole time.  My daughter did perforate her eardrum back in July, but it did not get infected, and when I took her to the doctor yesterday (for an infection in the other ear) he told me her eardr
um that had been perforated was now healed and whole and would not need surgery.
- I have been able to come up with meals, day after day, when the day before I would have no idea what I would fix the next night.  I would get on my knees and pray, and an answer would come, and I would know what to fix.  This has happened over and over.
- Our air conditioner, which in past summers has needed lots of coaxing to keep running, made it through this whole summer without breaking down once.
- Every appliance or vehicle issue we have had, John has been able to fix.  We haven't had anything we needed to replace or take in to get repaired.  Our 12-year-old van has been so reliable.  It has little issues, but it starts and runs whenever we need it to, and that has been such a blessing.
- People have been so generous to us, especially people in our extended family.  I am a very independent person, and consider it our responsibility to provide for ourselves, but as we have been trying to do that and have not been able to, we have learned how to receive help from others, and let them serve us, and that was something I needed to learn.  We are so grateful for their kindness.
- The Lord has provided for our family's needs.  We have always had food to eat, and clothes to wear, and transportation, and a roof over our heads.  He has taken care of us, maybe not always as I would have hoped, but in the ways we needed.

I don't know if I have learned, yet, all the things I need to learn from this experience, and I don't know how much longer it will last, but I know that somehow these experiences will be for our good, and will help our family to be stronger.  I hope I will have the faith to press forward even when things are hard and I can't see how they will possibly get better.  I hope I will have some small portion of the faith my pioneer ancestors had.  I am grateful for their examples and the sacrifices they made for me.

By the Way....

Sarah at Clover Lane published my post about staying home (see it here).  Check it out if you want, and then stay and read her wise words--she is amazing.  Have a great day!

Why (and How) I Stay Home

Why?
Because it is so much easier to run a home when I am, well, home.  Because it makes my family happy.  Because it makes me happy.  Because it feels right, so much more right than anything else I can think of doing.  My degree is in physics teaching, but there are plenty of other physics teachers, most of whom can do the job I would be doing as well or better than I.  As a physics teacher, I am replaceable.  As a mother, I am not.  My children need ME.  There is so much more to mothering than keeping children clothed, fed, and clean.  So much teaching, loving, building.  I am building more than a home...I am building relationships with my children that will anchor them all their lives.  I am building people, who in turn will go out and change the world.  I am changing the world, one little person at a time.

How?
John and I knew before we were married that having me home with our children was a priority for us.  So the choices we made at the beginning were made with that dream in mind.  We planned to live on his income from the start.  We actually worked together in an office at the time, which was lovely--the working together, not the office--so we used my income to pay down debt (our car) and build savings.  We lived in a little, run-down, cottage home in a run-down part of Mesa and paid next-to-nothing for it.  We furnished it with hand-me-downs and thrift store finds.  We bought nothing on credit; we didn't even have a credit card.

When I got pregnant with Adam, we had been married five months.  I didn't get very sick, but I was queasy constantly and so tired I could hardly stand it, especially at work.  Trying to keep my eyes open all day (and trying not to gag because the office air was so stale) wore me out and I would come home and crash.  Every day.  I did this for two months.  I ultimately decided that it would be better to fulfill one of my roles well than both of my roles poorly (wife and employee).  So, we talked it over, and realized we had enough in savings to pay off our car (which had been my "retirement" goal), and I quit my job.  We were debt free, living on one (modest) income.

Money was tight.  It has been tight ever since, honestly.  I don't think it always will be, but so far it has been.  But we have always had enough.  The Lord has provided, often in miraculous ways, and made it possible for John to provide, as we have done all we can to make it possible for me to stay home.  I think one key has been that first decision to live on John's income and stay out of debt as much as possible.  That laid the foundation.  I have had opportunities to supplement our income by working and I have never felt right about them.  I do all I can with what I have, and I trust John to provide financially for our family.  I support him, and he supports me.  To me, that is what marriage is about.  It is a partnership.  John provides our income.  I work hard to stretch our income, make things myself, sew, cook from scratch, shop at thrift stores, keep a garden.  We had one vehicle for years.  We still use secondhand furniture, and my children wear hand-me-downs.  We live simply.  We make it work.  It has been worth every sacrifice.  Would we have more money if I worked outside our home?  Probably.  Would we have more happiness?  I am certain beyond all doubt that the answer to that question is no.  I am grateful every day for the privilege of staying home, of raising my own children.  I know it is God's will for me and that He is the One who really makes it possible.  I know that not everyone has the option or the desire.  But if it is a desire of your heart, don't give up.  Pray about it, talk about it, see if there is a way.  Everyone's paths are different and I understand that.  This has been my experience, and I would not trade it for the world.


Quote for the day:
 "It takes faith--unseeing faith--for young people to proceed immediately with their family responsibilities in the face of financial uncertainties.  It takes faith for the young woman to bear her family instead of accepting employment, especially when schooling for the young husband is to be finished....But know this--that all these are of the planting, while faithful, devout families, spiritual security, peace, and eternal life are the harvest."                                                            --Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, p.11



Notes:
1.  We pay a tithe to our church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) before paying our other expenses, and we have seen so many blessings come as a result of this practice. I am convinced it is a major part of our ability to make this work.  (See Malachi 3:10, The Windows of Heaven)
2.  I make lots of mistakes.  I over-economize, I under-economize, and sometimes I fall apart.  But I keep trying, and I know the Lord makes up the difference.

To Be Happy at Home

Questions to ask myself when I start to feel overwhelmed/bored/stressed/stir-crazy:

1.  Have I taken care of first things first?  Have I prayed, studied the scriptures, showered?  I can't always do those things first, because sometimes I am needed before I have had time to properly prepare for the day, but I find that when I do them as soon as I can, they make all the difference in how my day goes.

2.  Have I done my duty?  Am I caught up with cleaning/dishes/laundry/meals?  Have I spent quality time with my children, encouraged my husband?  Am I putting my best energies into these relationships that matter most?  President Monson said, "Happiness is found in the path of our duty."  I have tested that and found it to be true.  I don't find happiness by running away (though sometimes I feel like it).  I find true happiness by doing my duty more fully, with my whole heart. 

3.  Is there someone I can serve?  Taking an opportunity to make a phone call or visit to someone who needs it can take my mind off my own problems and put things back into perspective, plus it just makes me happy to make someone else happy.

4.  Is there something I can learn, some way I can improve?  Taking a class or learning a new skill (when the opportunity arises and the time is right) or developing my talents can work wonders for me when I start feeling stagnant. 

I know that true, lasting happiness and contentment are found when I give my time and attention to those things that matter most.  I know that God wants us to be happy, and He will help us when we do what He has already asked us to do, wholeheartedly.  I think that is true whatever our circumstances are. 

Encopresis

Encopresis 

Our son Joshua got really sick in April 2010.  Lots of kids did right then; there was something going around, some kind of stomach bug that caused dehydration very quickly.  Joshua got sick on Saturday morning, and by Sunday at noon he was so dehydrated that he had lost a quarter of his body weight and was lethargic and barely alive.  We did not know what to do--we thought that since he had stopped throwing up, and just wanted to sleep, that he would finally be able sleep it off and get better.  We were wrong.  He was dying.  Thankfully, my mother-in-law, who is a nurse, felt prompted to stop by our house on the way back to Pinetop and check on him.  She told us to take him to Urgent Care, which we did, and were told to take him to the Emergency Room.  I thought he was going to die on the way to the hospital, that's how lethargic and weak he was.  (And of course the freeway was under construction and the drive to the hospital took forever that day.)  He ended up spending two nights in the hospital with an IV, getting re-hydrated.  We took turns staying with him in the hospital and taking care of our other kids, one of whom was a nursing baby, which meant that most of the time it was John in the hospital with him.  After he came home, we found that his health problems were not over; they were just beginning.

Joshua's first bowel movement after being sick was so difficult that in passing it he tore something slightly, and for months afterward every bowel movement was painful.  This was, naturally, frightening for an almost-four-year-old, and he coped by trying to withhold his bowel movements, rather than letting them out and having them hurt.  He quickly got where he wouldn't use the toilet at all.  He was too afraid.  He would hold it as long as he could and then go in his pants.  This led to constipation, which led to a host of other problems--daily stomachaches and growth delay (caused by malnutrition) being the most serious.  We spent a year and a half trying to figure out what the problem was.  We knew it had started with his illness, but didn't know if it was intestinal, or allergies, or what.

Finally, in October 2012, I read a book, Diaper Free, on an unrelated topic, but which had a phrase that clicked with me--megacolon.  That is what happens when someone is constipated for so long that their colon becomes stretched out.  I searched that term, late one night as I was up with my 9-month-old baby, and found the term encopresis, which matched exactly all the symptoms we were dealing with, and made complete sense.  I found a website called encopresis.com that outlined a treatment plan (Soiling Solutions), bought one of their books (The Clean Kid Manual) secondhand on eBay, and we got started.  (I did check with our family doctor first, and she verified the diagnosis and suggested similar treatment.)

The results were almost immediate.  He had not been growing--he was five and a half and still wearing 3T clothes.  We started treatment in October or November and by December he had started growing again.  I have never been so glad to see one of my children needing new clothes!  The daily, hunched-over in pain stomachaches disappeared.  Before treatment, he would leak poop, just a little bit, and then sit on the toilet and not be able to go.  When he did have a bowel movement in the toilet, which was rare, it was huge and obviously painful.  Over time, as we did the daily treatment hour, we saw his bowel movements decrease in size until they were normal again.

It has now been a little more than a year since we started treatment.  Things have changed for the better.  He still can't always go on his own, but most of the time he can, as long as his diet has been good (homemade whole wheat bread is essential for some reason).  His bowel movements are normal size again.  He still doesn't like to use the toilet, and won't go on his own most of the time.  I don't know how to help him over that hurdle.  I think he just doesn't pay attention, and now that he is physically able to use the toilet he will get to the point of taking himself eventually.  I hope so.

This isn't the kind of thing you can just talk about, and I am hesitant to do so, because I feel like people will be grossed out and just not want to know all of it.  But when it is your child, and you are the one desperately seeking answers, you wish more people would talk about it so you can find out what is wrong and what to do.  I am sharing our experience in the hope that you will understand three things:
1. This is a real problem that kids will not just "grow out of".  It is heartbreaking and challenging, but it doesn't have to be permanent.  Treatment is available and effective when done right.  It can get better.  It may not be easy, but it is possible.
2. Everyone has problems.  Some people's problems are more visible than others, but whether they can talk about them or not, the problems are real and very challenging to that individual/family.  Please don't ever assume that anyone's life is perfect and problem-free, because I can guarantee you it isn't.
3.  All parents make mistakes, some with far-reaching effects on their children and others.  I have cried and agonized over how we took care of Joshua in his illness, thinking that if we had just been more persistent in giving him fluids drop-by-drop or if we had realized how bad it was and taken him to a doctor sooner or something, we could have avoided all of this grief.  But, the fact is, we did the best we knew how to do.  The Atonement of Jesus Christ covers not only our sins and their effects, but also our mistakes, and their effects on those we love.  I know that in time or eternity, my son will be healed.  I also know that we have traveled this road for a reason.  We learned things about our son that we needed to learn, and were able to make some needed course corrections that have brought us to a better place than we were before.  Joshua is happier, and our relationship with him is stronger, than before.  We understand his needs better, and we are better able to meet those needs.  I am grateful for the things we have learned and the ways we have grown as we have worked through this trial with our son.